Sephiroth Late Night Talk Show
by Black Mage Dad
Summary: Sephiroth has his own talk show where crazy, psychotic people (many familiar ones) come on and, well, talk! Chaos ensues! Read and review (or you shall perish...)
1. Episode 1

A/N: Hiya! This little ficcy was written by me (Black Mage Dad) and good ol' Feathery Kuja! She told me if I didn't give her credit she'd kill me . . . so . . . *takes a deep breath* THIS STORY WAS ALSO WRITTEN BY FEATHERY KUJA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough* sleepy . . . *falls unconscious*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own jack-diddly-oodle! But that would be SO cool if I did . . .  
  
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Sephiroth: And here we are again, on Late Night with Sephiroth. Hello everyone!  
  
Audience: BOOOOO!!!  
  
*Applause sign comes up*  
  
Audience: YAAAAAAY!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Good! Now let's get on with the show. For our first guest, Professor Snape.  
  
*Snape walks out*  
  
Snape: Hello, Moto. *Japanese accent*  
  
Sephiroth: Hello, Mortal.  
  
Snape: I'm older than you.  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up, I'll still live longer. Okay for our first question: Professor, what is it like knowing everyone hates you?  
  
Snape: Why Sephiroth, I think you should be able to answer that question on your own.  
  
Sephiroth: *Confused* What?  
  
Snape: Never mind, it is something your feeble mind cannot grasp.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh . . . uh . . . whatever. Okay, now for the second question! What DO you use on your magnificent hair? It's so . . . captivating.  
  
Snape: *What-the-fuck look* Uh . . . motor oil. It's the only thing I could find down in Alabama.  
  
Sephiroth: What?  
  
Snape: *Blushes* Oh, nothin . . .  
  
Sephiroth: What's that music?  
  
*Sweet Home Alabama can be heard mysteriously playing in the background*  
  
Snape: *HACK HACK HACK* nothing, I think it must be your own imagination! Ehehehe . . .  
  
*Sweet Home Alabama keeps playing*  
  
Sephiroth: Uh, ok . . . Now let's get our next guest out. Thank you, Sir Snape.  
  
Snape: Uh, yeah, sure, whatever buddy . . . *Walks off*  
  
Sephiroth: *Blink Blink* Now the next guest is . . . *Drum Roll* ICE CREAM CHUCK!!!  
  
Camera Man: Who the hell is Ice Cream Chuck?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, sorry, it is . . . DUMBLEDORE!!!  
  
Audience: BOOOOOOO--*sign goes up*-- YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
*Dumbledore is wheeled out*  
  
Sephiroth: Hello, Headmaster, pleasure to have you here.  
  
*Wormtongue from Two Towers runs out with his pants down and trips*  
  
Womtongue: Uh, sorry, you got to see my movie to get that . . . *Shuffles off*  
  
Sephiroth: Awww, I'm glad my cast has such enthusiasm!!  
  
*Snape streaks by*  
  
Dumbledore: Wow, I didn't know Severus was so fast, that was like a naked blur!!  
  
Sephiroth: Uh, okay, then will you answer my first question? Thank you. Now, Mr. Dumbledore, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?  
  
Dumbledore: *Staring off into space and drooling*  
  
*Snape streaks back the other way*  
  
Audience: YAAAAAA!!  
  
Sephiroth: SHUT UP DAMNIT, THE SIGN ISN'T UP!!!  
  
Audince: *Silent*  
  
*Sweet Home Alabama still playing*  
  
*From backstage-Wormtongue: Acid is my friend . . .!!*  
  
Dumbledore: *Snaps out of it* Oh yes, the weather is quite nice in West Virginia!  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up you senile old man!  
  
Dumbledore: *Pauses*  
  
Dumbledore: *Begins laughing*  
  
Sephiroth: Now for a commercial break!!!  
  
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A/N: Next chapter will be after commercial break. Good clorex to all of you, and God bless West Virginia. 


	2. Episode 2!

Sephiroth: Welcome back everyone! I'm so glad you didn't leave during the commercial break!  
  
Audience: BOOOOO - *sign goes up* - YAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!  
  
*Snape streaks by like a naked blur, covered in war paint and feathers*  
  
Sephiroth: Whoa . . . We've got to stop that . . . *Calls backstage* Someone restrain him for God's sakes!!  
  
*Wormtongue scuttles out*  
  
Wormtongue: Sir, he's 6'2 and I'm only 5'4.  
  
Sephiroth: You little shit! Get out there! Now!  
  
*Snape runs into the audience. Chaos ensues*  
  
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *mixture of BOOs, YEAHs, and cat-calls*  
  
Sephiroth: . . . Freaky . . . Wormtongue, sit your ass down, you'll be our next guest.  
  
Wormtongue: Um . . . okay . . . *shuffles over and sits down with a confounded look on his face like: what am I doing here?*  
  
Sephiroth: The first question is . . . er . . . uh . . . hmm . . . are you an urchant or possibly a barnacle?  
  
Wormtongue: What? Am I a virgin?  
  
Sephiroth: God, no! Um . . . are you, by the way?  
  
*Silence. Crickets chirp. Sweet Home Alabama can be heard faintly in the background*  
  
Sephiroth: Do you like hotdogs?  
  
Wormtongue: Um . . . where's my whore?  
  
Sephiroth: In my dressing room ^_^  
  
*Sweet Home Alabama continues to play its endless tune in the background*  
  
Wormtongue: Go get her! I'm having a horny overload!  
  
*Snapes streaks between them complete with ass-flash*  
  
Aflack duck in the audience: ASS-FLASH!  
  
Sephiroth: Dear god I haven't seen so many dimples in my whole damn life . . .  
  
Wormtongue: *Giggles* Snape's out of shape! Now get me my god damn whore!  
  
*Dumbledore wheels out in his wheel-chair*  
  
Whore: Hi, I'm Christine. But you can call me Whore-stine. You called?  
  
Wormtongue: *Drools*  
  
Sephiroth: *Drools*  
  
Snape: *Runs by and drools*  
  
Dumbledore: *Tips over with a thud . . . and no one notices*  
  
Dumbledore: *Giggles retardedly*  
  
Harry Potter: *Pencil-rolls out naked*  
  
Sephiroth: So NOT cool! Next question ^_^: How big is your - ?  
  
Pervert in audience: *Begins singing* I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other boys cannot deny! When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG!  
  
Mr. Weasley: Percy!!!  
  
*Sweet Home Alabama is STILL playing*  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT the hell is PLAYING THAT GOD DAMN MUSIC?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Wormtongue: What? *Making out with Christine*  
  
Sephiroth: *Stares. Has wet dream*  
  
*Snape runs in and sits on Sephiroth's lap*  
  
Snape: *Bats eyelashes seductively*  
  
Sephiroth: *Faints*  
  
*Snape streaks by once more*  
  
Sephiroth: *Wakes up* So how long is your - ?  
  
Song: "Sweet Home Alabama! Where the skies are so blue!"  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!? STOP THAT INFERNAL RACKET!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dumbledore: *Giggles once more*  
  
Audience member: *Throws potato at him*  
  
Dumbledore: *Eats potato*  
  
*Snape cartwheels by naked*  
  
Wormtongue: *Splashes holy water in his eyes*  
  
Sephiroth: . . . That's bad naked . . .  
  
Wormtongue: He won a contest folks *Winks*  
  
Sephiroth: *Aims a kick at him*  
  
Christine: If that guy's got money then . . . yeah . . . *On top of Wormtongue*  
  
Wormtongue: No, honey!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Sephiroth sign goes up*  
  
Audience: Sephy! Sephy! Sephy! Sephy!  
  
Lone audience member: Jerry! Jerry!  
  
Sephiroth: Shoot that man!  
  
Lone audience member: YAH! *Runs away*  
  
*Security chases him*  
  
Security Guard #1 (George W. Bush): *In heavy Texan accent* It is time to begin NUCULAR war-fare upon that unfaithful man!  
  
Security Guard #2 (Bill Clinton): I did NOT have sexual relations with THAT woman! *Points at Kuja in the audience (for those who don't know, Kuja is a man).  
  
Kuja: *Outraged* WHAT THE HELL?! *Tears off seat* IT'S TIME FOR SMACK- DOWN! YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT WITH YOUR LIFE! Audience: *Begins tearing things apart like fags in an apple*  
  
Wormtongue: *In British accent* Dear God, they're like pouncing elephants! *Continues making out*  
  
Sephiroth: . . . My poor set . . . *Sighs dramatically*  
  
*Snapes streaks through the wreckage*  
  
Kuja: RAMPAGE WORLD TOUR!!!  
  
Audience: *Rampages*  
  
*Ron Wood goes on stage and begins spinning on his head*  
  
Sephiroth: The Rolling Stones were in the audience?! Dear God, I'm a raging fool! I could've had them as guests.  
  
Ron Wood: Yah, yah, whatever . . . *Drunk with a British accent*  
  
Mick Jagger: Keith, God, he's at it again! Get the cattle-prod.  
  
Christine: Fresh meat! *Laughs insanely*  
  
Wormtongue: *Sticks his tongue in her mouth* You ain't goin' nowhere, Sweetie!  
  
Snape: *Streaks by, shrieking*  
  
*George W. and Clinton chase after him* 


End file.
